To move from where you have been frozen.

To lift a finger. To raise an arm.

To stand from a bed forgotten by broken promises.

To walk. To run.

To see the road blocked by bitter memories.

To continue the journey.

To close the eyes.

To see not.

Hear not.

Feel not.

To wash the wound.

Mend the heart.

To leave behind a hundred stabs.

You gather enough courage,

Carefully,

Slowly,

Little by little,

inch by inch,

bit by bit.

And as you lift a finger,

move a hand,

It shakes.

It shakes.

You tremble and howl as the pain pierces you, again,

harder than it did yesterday.

Tidus & Yuna- Think of me

Naiyak ako sa kantang ito. May naalala ako.

 

Packing my bags this morning
Was the hardest thing to do
But packing my bags was so easy
Compared to standing outside your door right now
to say goodbye to you

Think of me
I know you've never seen me cry
Think of me
But it's so hard to say goodbye
Think of me
What can I say to show you
I'll never give up on you
I will be waiting for you

I will be there when you call
I will see you through it all
And even in your darkest hour
I pray that the Lord we found
Will set you on solid ground

I know that it feels like leaving
Is a part of letting go
But I'm praying with hope and believing
That I'll see you once again down this road
I hope that it won't be long

Think of me
I know God brought you as a friend
Think of me
I know He'll bring you back again
Think of me

 

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Landmark play Pagsambang Bayan to be restaged

In August 1977, a play that said everything against martial law was performed in UP Diliman. Being already on its fifth year, the dictator Marcos had become cocksure that his military regime would last forever. Now here was this unlikely play, defying its might.

“Even before opening night,” wrote Dr. Doreen Fernandez in “Palabas: Essays on Philippine Theater History” (Ateneo de Manila University Press, 1996), “people whispered that the play was ‘matapang,’ and should be seen immediately, because it might be closed down by the military. The first night was palpable with thrill--the thrill of danger, but even more, the thrill of saying almost outright that which had not been said directly for five years.”

Wilfrido Ma. Guerrero Theater was jampacked, the air electric. Halfway through the performance, applause thundered, and cries of “Truth!,”“Justice!” and “Freedom!” resounded among a suddenly emboldened audience.

“Pagsambang Bayan” is acclaimed as the first play during martial law that challenged the military regime in a way that no theater piece had dared to do. Against all odds, it tackled issues that were forbidden to be talked about, such as the killing of freedom and democracy, wanton violations of human rights and loss of human dignity, government corruption and the insatiable greed of those who are in power.

Today, 32 years after “Pagsambang Bayan” was first produced by the UP Repertory Company--it was remounted in 1981 and 1984 also by UP Rep--it is again being restaged by the Tag-ani Performing Arts Society.

More than a mere reshowing of an old play, the restaging of “Pagsambang Bayan” aims to dramatize to the present generation how Philippine theater measured up to its social function during one of the darkest periods of our history. Its purpose is to reaffirm Philippine theater’s obligation not only to comment on the human condition but to realize the full human potential of our people.

Written by Bonifacio P. Ilagan right after his detention, “Pagsambang Bayan” won in the 1976 Palihang Aurelio V. Tolentino. It was first directed by Leo Rimando and performed in Hongkong in English. The original Philippine performances were directed by Behn Cervantes for the UP Repertory Company. Other productions were done outside Metro Manila. Until 1984, it had chalked up more than 100 performances by various theater groups.

Ilagan and Cervantes again team up to lend a classic play a new treatment in the 2009 production by the Tag-ani Performing Arts Society, in cooperation with the National Commission for Culture and the Arts; and with the UP Repertory Company in the UP Diliman version, in conjunction with February Arts Month.

The play has been anthologized in various books here and abroad. It is featured in the CCP Encyclopedia of Philippine Art as a major work in Philippine theater and as an example of an art form made relevant by the crisis of society.

The national tour kicks off with two performances on February 25-26 February 2009, 7 p.m., at the Bahay ng Alumni, University of the Philippines in Diliman, Quezon City, in partnership with the UP Repertory Company. Its first provincial outing is hosted by the Workers’ Assistance Center, with performances on February 28, 4 p.m. and 7 p.m., at the Emilio Aguinaldo College Auditorium in Dasmarinas, Cavite. Behn Cervantes directs.

For bookings, please call Tag-ani Performing Arts Society 0920-9461975/0922-8010792, fax 9305236 or e-mail tag_ani@yahoo.com.

Posted by gibbs cadiz

LOVING

Thoughts this Valentines Day

 

“It is by loving and not by being loved that one comes nearer to the soul of another.”

February 13. A Friday with just a one-hour Biology class to attend to. It was only 2:30 in the afternoon when the class ended.  I walked along the academic oval, trying to think of something productive to do. Thesis, I thought. But I was not in the mood.

I decided to just...continue to walk. I didn’t know exactly where to go. No, not home, of course. My family’s not yet there.

I could hear the cheers of the crowd from the sunken garden. Songs from a popular band filled the air. There were lots of vendors along the sidewalk—selling flowers, chocolates and balloons. Once in a while, I would meet some couples and groups of college students, enjoying one another’s company. Cameras. Laughters. There were lots of people—young, old, professionals, students, tambays.

I just need a friend, I thought. I looked around, desperately hoping that I would see a familiar face. None. Just some smiling, happy faces from strangers.

It was those rare occasions when I felt so alone. In a normal Friday-afternoon-UP Fair-Valentines-nothing-to-do days like this, I should have been with my High School barkada or some of my College friends. But I didn’t know where they were. I didn’t have a celphone. I didn’t even know what their numbers are.

I thought of going to Vinzon’s Hall, hoping that I would see some of my orgmates. It’s been quite a while and I miss them so much. But recently, the tambayan was always locked. I realized that I didn’t even know what the new lock code was. I felt so detached.

            Later that afternoon, I even stayed at the lobby, hoping that I would see a friend. But why didn’t I know anyone? Have I been gone that long? I decided to just...wait. I opened my Book of Mormon and continued reading. Mormon chapter 2. Chapter 3. Then Chapter 4. Still, no familiar face. I closed it. Surrender, I thought.

I felt alone. I just needed a friend but there was no one. And then I realized I was being so funny. I wasn’t even suffering or something. There’s nothing really to be sad about. Think Brigham Young, I thought. I have to set aside all those selfish loneliness.

Then I thought of a good idea.

I went to a flower booth and bought a yellow gerbera flower. The girl placed some colorful papers and tied a white ribbon around it. She handed me the flower—it was so presentable. I paid. And smiled.

I decided to visit my grandmother.

When I was just a kid, my family lived with lola, together with three titas, one tito and two cousins. We were one big happy family. But when we grew older, my parents thought that it was best that our family move and live on our own. Later on, one of my titas married and settled in Belgium. Another tito and tita also bought a house of their own. They, too, moved to their new home with my cousins. Since then, my lola would often feel sad and alone.

When I was in High School, I lived with my lola again. Every morning, she would prepare a glass of milk for me. I didn’t like the taste of the milk so I would usually just sip and then throw it away. She was becoming weak then. I would recall those restless nights when she would mutter some words while sleeping.

Now that I’m in College, I returned to my parent’s home. At present, my lola was left alone with just a care-taker. It has been a long time since any of us went there to visit....

I rode a tricycle and finally arrived at my grandmother’s house. The place looked so different now. The gate was so high. I pressed the doorbell button and the caretaker opened the gate. I entered the house. It was so quiet. From the living room, I could hear only the sound of the electric fan. I looked at the picture frames above the piano. I saw my 22-year old father, my uncles, aunties, grandfather and of course, my lola— She was so young and beautiful in the photograph.

            I walked and entered my grandmother’s room. She was sleeping. I didn’t want to wake her up but the caretaker said it was okay. Soon, my lola became aware that I was there.

            She was now so different from the young and beautiful woman in the photograph above the piano. Lola is now 82. She could not fully open her eyes. She could barely sit or talk.

            The caretaker helped her so she could at least sit down. I gave the yellow gerbera flower to her and greeted her a happy valentines day. I always wanted yellow flowers. They sort of illuminate a cheerful, hopeful and light feeling. This is also the reason why I would often look forward to seeing the growing sunflowers in U.P. every summer.

My lola tried to hold the flower but it fell down. Her hands were shaking. She couldn’t hold anything anymore. After a few minutes, she said that she was already tired and she wanted to lie down again.

            She’s suffering from Parkinson’s disease.

            I talked to her for a while and played the piano. The piano was already broken and some keys were now out of tune. I brought out a musical piece from my bag, ‘All I ask of you.’ It was one of my favorite songs and I was longing for the day that someone would sing it for me. J

            I played the song and the lyrics...the words...they were great.

            No more talk of darkness.

            Forget this wide-eyed fears.

            I’m here nothing can harm you.

My words will warm and calm you...

 

Let me be your freedom.

            Let daylight dry your tears.

            I’m here with you beside you.

To guard you and to guide you...

 

            Then I realized. I was walking along the acad oval, feeling so alone, earlier that day. But my lola, she was living the remaining days of her life on her bed, with just a caretaker.

 

Let me be your shelter.

Let me be your light.

You’re safe, no one will find you,

You’re fears are far behind you.

 

All we need is freedom,

A world that’s warm and bright.

And you, always beside me,

To hold me and to hide me...

 

I was walking along the acad oval earlier that day, feeling so alone, needing a friend. But my lola was there. She needed a friend, a family, now more than ever.

 

Say you love me ev’ry winter morning

Turn your head we’ll talk of summertime.

Say you need me with you now and always.

Promise me that all you say is true.

 

That’s all I ask of you.

 

My lola whispered words I barely understood. ‘Salamat’ was the only clear word that I heard. Soon, she was asleep. I whispered goodbye, grabbed my bag and left.

 

I never really had a meaningful, nakakakilig, Valentines Day my entire life. But this year was definitely one of the most memorable ones.

 

I tried something new this Valentines and it felt really really good to make others feel that they are loved and that they are special. I think that’s what Valentines Day is really all about.

 

Yes, I would still feel alone at times. I felt like I’ve been far from some of my closest friends lately. I miss a lot of people. I just realized that I’ve been used to being alone the past few weeks. I go to school everyday, attend PE and GE classes with freshmen classmates, eat my lunch alone, go to the library, study, go home by myself. I felt more detached now that I didn’t have a phone. Sometimes, I would just watch some plays by myself, visit the Vargas museum and attend some arts stuff just to deviate these depressing thoughts.

 

I miss talking to someone. I just miss expressing my inner, deepest, thoughts. At times, I would dream of talking again to some friends who have already left. Some went to a far-away country while others...others just chose to leave and even if they are geographically near, it feels like they are even farther. I think that’s the most painful way of losing a friend or a loved one—when they are just in front of you but it feels like you do not know them anymore, it feels like they are strangers again. Sometimes, I would also wonder if it’s possible to love without being afraid to lose the people you love. Some would put up all manner of defences and choose not to feel it. I had that experience too. But I think that’s selfishness.

 

Soon, my lola would die. Yes, it would feel like losing someone again. But it’s always the risk of loving. Love is a very powerful emotion and action. And to feel pain, loss, heartache, hurt...they are part of it. But love...love...is always worth all those risks. And I realized that you never really lose someone because they would continue to live perhaps not physically beside you...but they are always there, in your memories, in your heart.

 

Valentines Day is not always about couples, holding hands, expressing undying love for each other. It is not just about getting balloons, chocolates or flowers from a suitor. It is about loving. Loving and caring.

 

            Sometimes you would feel alone, yes. Unloved, yes. Dumped, yes. But when you put off, set aside, all those self-centered, selfish pain and loneliness...you would see that there are lots of people there...waiting for you. Waiting for your love.

 

“It is by loving and not by being loved that one comes nearer to the soul of another.”

 

I said a quick prayer and thanked the Lord for this big heart capable of loving. That’s what this day, really, is all about.

 

That’s what love, really, is all about.

 

            Happy Valentines Day!

"I am a Daughter of God"

Thoughts from the Young Women President devotional

February 1, 2009

Provident Chapel, Marikina City

 

 

I am a daughter of God.

 

But perhaps that didn’t quite manifest as I entered the chapel yesterday.

 

I entered the hall looking rather scruffy. It was only 3 o’clock in the afternoon and it has already been a long and exhausting day. Perhaps one of the longest I’ve ever had.

 

People curiously looked at my untidy pants, dirty feet and the big black bag I was carrying. I returned a blank stare at them and then sat down uncomfortably. The women were all wearing skirts and dresses and the men with their usual white polo and tie.

 

From my peripheral vision, I can see their eyes implicitly talking as if asking, “Hey ugly, what’s with all the pimples and large eye bugs?” Undeniably though, they were the largest I’ve had. J

 

They didn’t know what I’ve been through before I arrived in that place. Sitting down inside a vehicle with a gun pointed at you, a man ready to shoot any second—it just makes everything else you see now differently.

 

 I tried to set aside all the uncomfortable thoughts and tried to focus on the speaker at the pulpit. I looked in front and saw a familiar face. I listened as the man spoke,

 

“We don’t just give the manual and tell them good luck. We explain and let them feel the weight of their responsibility...”

 

The weight of their responsibility— The weight of their responsibility— The words repeated in my mind.

 

 He was clearly talking about the responsibility of the teachers. I paused and tried to recall what I’ve done so far. I started the year idealistic and enthusiastic as a teacher, but some personal things cloud my thoughts once in a while. It has been a struggle the past few weeks.

 

Soon, the session was over. I got out, changed my clothes and then went back to the hall wearing a dress. I sat down in front and waited patiently for the next session. I found myself staring at the clock and as the smaller hand pointed at number 5, the music from the piano filled the hall and the voices of the young women in front caught my ears as they sang a familiar tune,

 

I will prepare to make and keep sacred covenants.

Seek promise blessings of the priesthood through obedience.

Live my life to claim the blessings sweet of exaltation,

My testimony growing each new day...

 

It was the song I usually sang when I was a little younger and as I looked at all the young girls singing, I suddenly saw my 16-year-old self beside them—singing, smiling, radiating, illuminating a sweet countenance.

 

Tears began to fall. There I go again—I thought.

 

...The Spirit whispers of my mission,

My individual worth

So I seek for precious blessings

For learning and for growth

I understand the meaning of accountability

Every step for good or evil is my responsibility...

 

...And just for here and now, I walk by faith.

 

                After the singing, a tall fair American woman stood up and began to speak. I tried catching my breath. Sister Dalton. More tears were streaming down my face. Then I could clearly recall. Exactly four years ago, I was holding a tape recorder, interviewing that woman. She told me to write to her once I’ve received my young women medallion. I’ve received it years ago but realized that I didn’t know where to send my letter to her exactly.

 

                “I want to talk to you today about making commitments,” she said, with the familiar sweet voice I’ve learned to love.

 

                I just stared at her and listened hard as she told a story about an experience she had as a young girl. She talked about a situation wherein she insisted what she wanted and what she thought was good for her even if her parents forbid her to. She cried and cried and insisted what she liked only to find out that in the end, her parents were right. And the decision that she thought was good for her only caused a lot of hurt and pain.

 

                That was just like me, I thought.

 

                More and more tears fell down from my eyes. I could totally relate to her. It was so amazing.

 

                “Once you’ve decided to make a commitment right now, you’ll never have to make that commitment again. I didn’t have to decide again because I’ve already decided,” she continued.

 

“Don’t ever let anything distract you.”

 

“The will to win doesn’t mean anything without the will to prepare.”

 

The words she spoke were so plain. They might just be the old, common statements, cliché ideas for some, but their impact was extraordinarily strong to me...particularly at this point of my life. It’s as if she was talking to me directly. For the longest time that I’ve been attending devotionals, it was the only time that I was crying from the beginning until the end of the entire session. I was sitting there, crying and crying and crying.

 

Then she mentioned about her patriarchal blessing. It says, ‘you will be with the young people.’ She told us that the blessing says that she would influence the youth and greatly affect their lives. She said that when she first received this patriarchal blessing, she didn’t quite understand those words. It was only now that she realized what the patriarchal blessing really meant.

 

Then...words from my own patriarchal blessing came “You can make a big difference in inspiring both young boys and girls to change their lives to be better and fulfil their heart’s honest desire and highest destiny in life.”

 

Those were the exact words from my patriarchal blessing. I haven’t realized how important these words are when I received the blessing. For the past weeks, I’ve been losing my confidence in the things I do. I just can’t help being affected by some recent events (‘recent past’ events, rather). And I just feel so down, questioning my ability to be a mother, to be a wife, to raise righteous generations, to start righteous traditions, and how I felt so betrayed and dumped. Teaching the young women about their divine qualities, and questioning my own, was such a struggle.

 

The devotional was an eye-opener. An eye-opener. And I just got my eyes opened and I see myself and the divine qualities I’ve inherited more clearly now. And I know I cannot dwell with all the depressing thoughts I’ve been thinking anymore.

 

                “We cannot change yesterday’s choices, and it is impossible to predict exactly what tomorrow’s choices will be. We have only the present—the choices in front of us right now, demanding our attention. Today is the only time we really control, the only time when decisions can be made. Today is where we interpret our past and make our future. We are all travellers of time. We never have the choice to stop the ticking of the clock. Time is always pushing us forward. But what that journey makes us is a matter of choice.”

 

                I am a daughter of God. I’ve inherited divine qualities. And I must go on. Move on. Move forward. There is only a road ahead. No more turning back.

 

                I am a daughter of God. I’ve inherited such amazing qualities. And I must go on. Move on. Move forward. Perhaps not for my own self, but for the youth whom I teach today....and for all those young boys and girls, waiting for me...for those young boys and girls whose lives would be changed for better and whose honest desires and highest destiny would be fulfilled through my influence.

 

I am a daughter of God. I’ve inherited such amazing, divine, qualities. And I must go on. Move on. Move forward.

 

There is only a road ahead. No more turning back.

 

  

One last rant and I’m done.

 

(Yes. I am confident enough that he won’t read this. Di siya nagbabasa ng blog ko. And yes, last na’to, pagbigyan nyo na ko mag-emo.)

 

I do not have a bed to sleep on. I just finished sorting out stuff. The family’s kind of, er, packing up and the house is quite a mess. Now my bed turned out to be a big table full of files, pictures, papers and books. I was trying to cram some additional tables for my thesis while listening to a song Anali saved in my flash disk. It was entitled, ‘Pa’no mahalin ang katulad mo?’ Haha. Ang kooorniiii ko nambongga. Hehe. Pero alam n’yo namang kahinaan ko ang Filipino songs. Iba talaga ang impact nila. The lyrics sort of goes like this..er..

 

“Di ko maikakaila ang pangangamba na sa tuwina’y dala-dala...

Dapat sarilinin ko na lang. Kay rami-rami mong pasan-pasan,

Baka lalo ka pang mabibigatan.”

 

“Itatago ko ang aking kaba,

At ikukubli ang pangangamba..”

 

“Ang dinadaing ko’y para sa’yo

Ang unti-unting matutunan ko,

Pa’no mahalin ang katulad mo..”

 

Or something to that effect. Basta. The point of the song is like... hiding all your feelings. Controlling all your emotions. Letting go of all the selfishness. Loving, yet, letting go. And that’s what I am trying to master at this moment in time. I dunno, it has been a long time and I thought I was doing pretty well trying to deviate all my thoughts. But every time I see him, all the emotions, parang puputok. I just wanted to run to him and hug him and hug him and hug him, really really tight. But I know I can’t. I thought if I would talk to him and see him more often, it would be easier. But it is not. Yesterday, katabi ko siya sa jeep and I wanted to just close my eyes and think of something else para ma-control ko yung nararamdaman ko. May certain ‘smell’ kasi siya na alam na alam ko na. Na kahit pa naka-blindfold ako, alam ko na siya yun. And smelling him, hearing him, feeling him, beside me...

 

It’s torture. IT IS TORTURING ME.

 

I thought if I would just think about all the harsh stuff that he said, all the harsh things that he has done, it would be easier...It’s like— hating him and then the feelings would just go away. But it is not ‘hate’ that I feel. It is pain, pain, pain, pain...pain and more love. Love and more pain. Pain and more love. I can’t hate him. I just can’t. And I can’t stop loving him. Now tell me if this is a choice. Tell me ...please...if this is a choice.

 

Now I’m trying to use the remaining space sa kama ko. Walang foam, unan na lang. Naka-curl ako. Para akong fetus. Sabi ko hindi na ako iiyak ngayong bagong taon. Pero umiiyak na naman ako. Nakatingin ako sa kisame at para itong isang malaking salamin, tapos nirereflect niya ako.

And I’m thinking of myself, I am seeing myself. And I just can’t help feeling that I am not, or I’ve never been ENOUGH for him. That it is just so hard to love me because I am me. And I question myself. Often. And I doubt myself. I doubt my ability to be a wife. To be a mother.  To raise a family. To raise righteous generations. To rear children. And it’s like... I’m not enough for him, for my posterity. That I’ll never measure up. That I am so weak. I am someone who should just be left behind. And dumped. That I won’t ever be a wife to him. I won’t ever, ever, ever, be someone worthy for him. And it hurts so much. I’ve never been hurt like this my entire life. Para kasing buong buhay mo, you’re preparing to be someone worthy. Buong buhay mo, dun na naka-focused yung tingin mo....yun yung pangarap mo, yun yung goal mo. Na yun yung purpose ng lahat ng ginagawa mo. Then you’ll find out you’re never worthy for it. Na ganyan ka lang. Ganyan ka na lang. Kelangan kitang iwan kasi hindi ikaw ang gusto kong pakasalan. Na isa ka lang malaking pagkakamali. Na hindi naman kita minahal, na mahirap kang mahalin. Na mahirap humanap ng paraan para mahalin ka. Kasi ganyan ka, mayabang, gusto lagi sa spotlight, bata ka pa, bata ka pa. Kaya kelangan ka nang iwan. Kelangan ka nang iwan. Iwan. Iwan.

 

Hayyy...now I am just thinking that I am His daughter and I’ve inherited divine qualities. That He doesn’t want me feeling all these.

 

Ayoko nang umiyak. Alam mo yun, literal kasi yung struggle ko na pigilan yung papatak na na luha sa mata ko eh. Ganito o: Nilalakihan ko yung mata ko, tapos hindi ako kumukurap. Tapos magbibilang ako hanggang 10, kaso napapakurap na ako. Tapos ita-try ko na naman. Kelangan mapigilan ko siya.

Tapos narealize ko... para pala akong tanga sa ginagawa ko. Haha. Kaya ayun, hinayaan ko na lang sila pumatak nang pumatak nang pumatak.

 

Anyway, I want my focus back. Please. I want it back, so badly. I need it now that I am doing my thesis, now that I am months away from my graduation, now that I am preparing for something which I have been looking forward to all my life. Napaka-critical ng remaining months. Everything I will do NOW will mean a lot.  This is what I’ve wanted all along. I was so focused then, so why can’t I, now?

 

Okay. Okay. It’s all in the mind. Or not. No, no. Naaah. It’s all in the mind. Mind. Mind. Mind. Inhale...exhale...Mind, mind, mind. It is there in my mind...yeeesss...there in my mind...and then...slowly... I’ll throw it away. I’ll dump it. I’ll dump it...one-two-three...dump, dump, dump...throw...DUMP.

 

So there, I’m focused. You see...I’m focused.

 

 

Hayyyyyy...i’m not really waiting. I just like watching you from here (sabi nga ni Z). And No. No. I don’t like the spotlight. I want you up there in the spotlight. I just love watching you, humbly, patiently, up there.

 

Alam mo, mahirap kasi umakyat jan. Kaya, pag pagod ka na, puntahan mo lang ako.

Andito lang ako sa baba.

Hindi ako aalis.

 

Charot lang bey-beh.

 

Nag-aayos ako ng mga papel-papel sa kwarto ko at nakita ko itong isang essay na ginawa ko nung grade 5. Naalala ko pa, pinasulat ako noon ng English teacher ko ng isang essay. “Who is the most important person of the century?” yung theme. Bigla na lang may dumating na certificate galing sa Time Magazine. Sinali pala ng teacher ko yung essay ko sa isang pa-contest sa Time.

Anyway, ang sagot ko pala du’n sa tanong ay: mother. The mother is the most important person of the century. Maybe I could not think of a better answer then so I just wrote about the role of a mother for the sake of submitting a write-up. Or maybe I really meant all those ideas. I don’t know. All I know is that while I was reading the essay again, I felt strange. I never thought I’d write this when I was 11 years old.

 

“Who is the most important person of the century?”

 

The mother is the most important person of the century. Her role is very vital.

A mother molds a future generation. A child molded by good character is a generation molded in good character.

Children and students’ character values have been neglected over the past century. Young people have emerged from childhood with problems on drug abuse, alcohol, immoralities and bad marriage life.

A mother has different roles in creating strong characters and virtues among the young generation.

She is a teacher. She is the one who influence us most. In the home, she may have used no chalkboard nor possessed a college degree, but her lessons last forever. In the school, she is the instrument of every pupil’s academic success. Her teachings build up true values. She instills discipline and skills among them. She is a producer of inventors, mathematicians, doctors, lawyers, teachers and politicians who become good leaders of their own country.

She is a father. It has been the mother who bears the consequences of the father’s role in the children’s upbringing. She becomes the breadwinner whenever the head of the family dies or is jobless.

She is a parent to her daughter or son. She is a model of every child. She influences their attitudes toward their future in shaping their best personalities and careers.

A mother affects the lives of every person in any century. We can never tell when her influence stops.

 

Wooh. And that was quite heavy.

Nung nakaraang araw, nagkita-kita kami ng HIV with Caloi, Jeni and Duga. Then sabi ni Lorine, “gusto ko na ng baby sa barkada.” Sabi ko naman, “gusto ko na rin ng baby as a person.” Haha. I always wanted to be a mother.

Naalala ko sa isang class, the Prof asked what we wanted to do after graduation and everyone else was talking about professions, career and stuff like that. And when it was my turn, I told the class that I wanted to be a housewife. I dunno know why people laugh. But I really do. I want to be a home-maker. I want to raise children. To rear young boys and girls. To teach. To nurture. To care. To love. To start righteous traditions. To mold a righteous generation. Nothing else could be more fulfilling and happier. Nothing else.

Earlier this year (2008, that is), I’ve had this kind of psychological thing. I kept on imagining invisible eyes watching me from above. Whenever I look at the sky or stare at the stars, I see those little eyes watching me. I think of them as my posterity—my future sons and daughters. And whenever I feel so troubled and worried about certain decisions/ choices in life, I look above and then those little eyes give me strength. They’re glittering as if shouting from above: “You can do it! You have to!” Whenever I make the wrong decision and compromise the things I believe in, those eyes illuminate a feeling of sadness and disappointment.

I am happy whenever I cook and my siblings would go for another round. I’ve had this recent hobby of baking and cooking then papatikim ko sa iba. Ewan, fulfilling lang. As I grow old and realize I’d have to be prepared a few more years from now, I strive to put off all those selfish stuff and wala lang, to see what I can do for others within my immediate locale.

Motherhood is somehow about service and love. And perhaps more than that. It’s like forgetting yourself and thinking about the welfare of your offspiring first.

Parang habang lumilipas yung panahon, hindi na ‘dream’ yung perception ko sa motherhood. Habang tumatanda na ako, parang mas nagiging totoo na siya. Hindi na lang siya isang blah-blah na pinag-uusapan lang. Inaanticipate ko na siya. Sometimes I get so excited. Hahaha, scaaaaaary. Pero at this moment, I still have a lot to learn, and to do, and to fix. Malayo pa ako sa pagiging nanay.

I’m not sure if I would ever be one, in this lifetime, but even if I wouldn’t be one literally, I’d still strive to be a mother in my own simple way. Haha. Oha? Oha? Nyayyy. Pagbigyan naaaa! HAPPY NEW YEEEEAR!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Except for the thesis part, rock lang talaga ang paskong ito.

Grabe, antagal na since huli akong nangaroling at hindi ko akalaing may HIV carolling hirit ngayong pasko. Haha. So ayon, ang goal ng HIV ay ‘thousands of pesos’ at ‘makapunta sa Baguio out of the thousands of pesos’ ahahah. But as it turned out, tatlong bahay lang pala ang napuntahan, isa pa dun hindi namin kilala. Hehehe. Hindi talaga bagay ang mga salitang ‘preparations, planning at practice’ sa HIV. Woooh.

We attempted to rehearse (Pa high-end effect pa si Kimie eh, ‘We three kings of orient blah…’ Wah, natatawa ako, naiimagine ko yung ichura ni Kimie. Ahahaha). But in the end, we needed James (James, papayag ka na mangaroling kami na si Duga at Leo lang ang lalaki?) and pooof! James was there to save the day. Okay na sana eh, pero nagback-out lahat ng pupuntahang bahay (or nagtatago, hehe) at hindi pina-drive yung van nila Ruth.

 

 

Susuko na sana dahil walang nahagilap na kotse for this particular endeavor (Si Hannah asan ng ba?; si Carlo ay kasama ang cousin; at si caloi, may pupuntahan kuno, malayoooooo; sino pa bang naisip natin? Joy, Eden, lahaaaat na. ahahaha). So kamusta naman yun, where are you friends when we needed you…or your car? Hahaha. Joks. Nakakatawa, umaabon pa…eh kamalas-malasan naman. Nakakita na sana ng ray of hope nang maaninag ang kotse nila Anali habang nasa daan, pero iba rin pala ang direksyon nila.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So ayun, in the end, when all is said and done, kina Patrick Uyengco pala ang bagsak ng carolling. Marami talagang bagay sa mundo ang hindi mo aakalain pero nangyayari. Ahahah. At after nun, dalawang bahay na lang ang napuntahan dahil naubos lahat ng oras kakameeting at kakarehearse. Ahahahaha.

 

 

 

Yung isang bahay, puro lalaking nag-iinuman. Team yata ng isang billiards ekler. Sumisigaw sila ng: ‘Spartans?! AWOOO’ Ang tapang natin guys! Ang tapang natin para pasukin yun.

 

At cympre pa ang last stop, kila ate Camille, na pinakain pa kami ng yellow cab pizza. Salamat.

 

 

 

The results? 3 houses=2000php.

 

Oha-oha!

 

 

 

_____________________________________

 

 

 

And for the Noche Buena proper, as usual ay nag-family reunion kami sa bahay ng lola ko. Sad kasi hindi na  n’ya maigalaw ang katawan n’ya. But anyway, we had a different kind of Christmas program this year (We patterned it sa family home evening). We prayed, sang a Christmas song together, had talent presentations, games, gift-giving, foooood, some family announcements and updates, and we watched a church Christmas video.

 

It was so happy and I felt that we were all reunited this season.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's so hard to put everything into words but this was indeed a different Christmas. People I love gave warm warm Christmas greetings....and you know, some people...some people just know how to make you feel special. Thank you, thank you.

 

 

 

 

And of course it is Him, He—He is the reason for this season and I feel so happy and grateful for all the blessings this year. As I think of Him and remember all the things He did for me, I can’t help—I can’t help— but feel this kind of joy.

 

Merry Christmas and a Prosperous New Year everyone!

 

 

 

 

Bum bum biram, bum bum biram-ram. BUM. Hahaha. Dalawang araw na akong bum guys. Kahapon, tulog kami ni Kimie at Duga hanggang 12:30 ng tanghali tapos kumain lang kami at naligo at nag-attempt na manood ng film pero eventually, natulog lang din kami ulit. And for sure, hindi lang ako ang bum. Nagmamanifest ang pagka-bum ng mga tao sa kanilang mga texts (rona, mimi, vanuk, jun at si frank na rin, haha). Ano ba naman yung nanonood na lang si Vanuk ng ‘Mula sa Puso’ the movie bilang andun si Rico Yan. At ako naman, natapos ko ang Lion King 1,2,3 in one sitting or seating or lying for that matter. Ayun guys, in bumming days like this, bumabalik ang pagkanostlagic ko! Wahh! Andami na palang last ngayong pasko na’to!! (Example, last December na na naaninag natin si Marky Cielo, last pasko ko na bilang estudyante ng U.P, haha). Aun nga, if not the ‘last’, matagal-tagal ulit bago ko magagawa ang mga bagay-bagay with you guys. Marami talaga akong mamimiss sa mga susunod na pasko. Mamimiss ko ang mga kaganapan at cyempre, ang UP, ang North Olympus, ang Manila at cympre, mamimiss ko kayo. Though hindi naman lahat ng mga taong babanggitin ko sa baba ay mababasa ito, gusto ko lang ilagay lahat-lahat kayo na nagpasaya ng buwan na ito. December 3 -Pumunta kaming Tagaytay ni Kuya Felvs, Ate Nini, Ate Ruth, Ma’am Kaye (salamat po sa book), Kuya Red (Salamat sa coverage times), Kuya Noel (salamat po sa model photos) at Roners (sa times na anjan ka at naiintindihan ako). Kumain kami nambongga, nagsight-seeing nambongga at nagpicture-an nambongga. I will miss this-- the food and the pictures and the kwentuhans—mukang matagal-tagal ulit bago ako makakasama sa out-of-towns natin. December 5 -Sinamahan ko si Ate Ruth sa Made M for some Jubilee stuff, nanood ng film sa boarding house n’ya (wherein, si Kuya Jeri and wall paper, haha), naglibot-libot sa temple at nagrecord sa production office. Hindi ako nakatulog sa dami ng chocolates na kinain ko. Salamat Ate Ruth sa lahat ng bonding times, minsan napapagkamalan na nga akong empleyado ng PBO. Haha. December lunchtimes -Mamimiss ko ang lunch with Leo and Ruth…or with Ruth, specifically, bilang siya ang karamay ko sa pagka-emo at pagka-bum. Ang ganda kasi ng skedyul natin ma’re eh, puro vacant. Wahh, the rainy lunchtimes together at ang pag-iyak mo sa PHAN. Woohoo. Ewan, siguro kung wala si Ruth, mababaliw na rin ako sa lungkot. It takes another pain to lessen another pain. Watta philosophy? Ahaha. December 8/12/17 -Binigay ko ang best sa pag-attend ng mga Jubilee meetings at pagma-mark ng stage sa AFP cheter with ate Sharon (salamat ate shawee sa pagsama sa’kin sa College of Engineering para magjudge at sa lahat ng mga kwento mo). Haha. Wahh! Gusto ko pa ng more time with the committee and with Kuya Dong in particular, hehehehe. Tsaka, ise-sensationalize ko lng ng konti ah, I just want to say na iba talaga ang dedication ng mga taong ito: Kuya Janryll, Elder Valdez, Ate Dine, Elder Ko, President Adurru, Ate Leny, Kuya Pert and the rest of the gang. Kay Kuya Felvs at Ate Nini in particular, sa paglibre sa’kin ng Twilight ticket at sa lahat ng mga advice at kwento at sa pag-inspire sa’kin na magmahal. Ang sweeeeet kasi ng dalawang ito eh, nakakainggit. Charooot?! Haha. December 12 -Last Christmas party ko na ba ito sa insti? Salamat sa mga kaibigan na talaga namang nakakita ng dramatic changes sa akin all these years. Haha. Kay Hazel (na alam ang buong first wave love life ko), kay Cessah, Cheska (na iniyakan ang recent lovelife ko, ang weird mo talaga, haha), kay Ecka, kay Kuya Mark na nga rin (at sa basang pantalon niya dahil sa luha ko), kay Kuya Xian (forever loving kuya), kay tatay Q, lahat kayooo at waaaaaah! Kay President Baquiraaaan!! Na ever supportive textmate at rock lang talaga sa pakikinig sa rants ko (magkasama kayo sa listahan ko ni kuya joenee, haha). December 15 -Salamat sa pag-invite sa’kin, Leo, sa ‘Tunog mo, sayaw ko,’ na-enjoy ko yun bilang harsh judge. Next time, wag kang mag-iinvite ng host na at the same time ay judge ha? Wag ganun friend, hahaha. At next time, alalahanin mo na hindi ako nag-a-ice tea. -Wah, na-enjoy ko rin ang paghost ng Indakan sa film institute with madam and jootz. WAla akong masabi, magaling talaga ang KEM. Salamat pala sa UP ACES sa pizza nila, sa cake at sa plaque na rin as well. Madaaaaaaaaang! Grabe yung hosting career, nakikita ko na ang future mo. Aun guys. Hindi ko alam kung kalian ko ulit mararanasan itong mga ganito. Miss ko na kayo rep, gustung-gusto ko na ulit magperform. Salamat din pala ate Rog at kuya Eshei…wala lang. Bakit nga ba? Ahahaha. December 16 -Teh, oblation run! Ano ba naman yung nakita ko yung pag-ipit kay mimi ng mga babae para lang sa tooooot. Grabe yun, nakita ko yung layunin ni mimi na magmarshall (or marshmallow) guysedd eh! The genuine intention was there! But no! Inipit siya nambongga. Haha. Hahaha. Hahaha. Tak’te, natatawa ako pag naiisip ko yung posisyon ni mimi. Salamat mimi, sa lunch bonding natin sa beach haws. Salamat sa parteyyy sa tambayan!! *tgs tgs tgs tug-tug tugs tugs tugs!!* Jun, Krystel! WAAAAH!! At si annnnniiiee! Si annie guys nagpakita after ten years!! Pagkasama ko kayo, ROCK LANG TALAGA! -‘Hit me Baby One Last time!’ Senior’s Christmas Party! Kamusta naman yung silver jacket ko? Haha! Journ friends, mamimiss ko rin kayo nambongggaaaaa. Sa mga UJPeeps: Gem, April, Tine, Dana, Ina and da rest of the alitaptap at lahat kayo! Salamat guys. April at Judee, salamat sa mga love talks natin. Dan! Salamat sa Banahaw moments, mamimiss ko ang mga kweba (Filibusters, a-a-aha!), Kay Viena na kasama ko rin sa pag-e-emo, salamat friend nung one time na umiiyak ako at nand’yan ka. Kay Kirsty na thesis partner ko. Kila JM, Jali, Dyan, Absssssssyyy, lahat kayo. Dana, salamat sa paghatid sa’kin sa Rustans. Sa mga nakasama ko sa pagraos kay Ma’am Simbulan. Sa dyaryo natin! Anjo, Mark, thanks. Royce, miss ka na namin. December 17 -Krismas partey ng LDSSA. Salamat sa pizza. Matagal-tagal din siguro bago ko ulit makikita ang mga taong ito. Sa mga taong nakilala ko dito na nakinig at nagpahiram ng balikat. Salamat kay kuya don-don (sa starbucks moment, sa paghatid sa greenhills, sa pagpapautang sa mga taxi, sa yirbuk description, sa mga tula, sa lahat! Witness ka ng pag-grow ko as a person mula 1st yr hanggang ngayon na gagradweyt na ako). Salamat kay Kuya Doodz, na nakinig sa’kin hanggang pasado alas-onse ng gabi? Sa pag-upo sa tabi ko at pakikinig sa rants ko sa ilalim ng Quezon Hall waiting shed. Rock kayo. -WAHHHHH! Hindi ko na-avail ang Lantern parade guysssss! Sorrry nambongga pero mahal ko pa rin kayo. Mahal ko kayo Z, Deng, Fronc, Mimi (na isinugod pa sa ER ng Infirmatay. Sana masaya ka na, maganda ka gurl), Charley, Rona, Vanuk, Eshei, DM, Jootz, Caaaaaaaaaaarl, and da rest op-da gang! Kay Dax at ate melai na ngayon ko na lang ulit nakita. Walang College life kung walang UP Rep. Buhay at kamatayan at buhay ulit!!! Wahh!! Gusto ko na ulit sumigaw ng: Para kaninooooooooooo ang ating siniiiiiiiing??! -Salamat sa pagpapapasok sa backstage para makapanood ng Ms. Eng’g. Wah, rock lang talaga si Ms. Errrrrrrg guys! ANG GWAPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO nya, final na! Kahit na muka siyang may scolio, according to mimi. (By the way Lorine, stinalk na namin yung friendster at multiply account n’ya ni Kimie). Rock lang din si Ms. GP’s, ang witty, tak’te! Kala ko clouds lang at stars eh, but no, lumabas yung SM, astronaut…at SOGO. Ahahahaha, ang saya, hahahahaaha. Rock lang, rock. At kay madame, na halata namang pagod, marami ka nang fans, nakikita ko na ang pagsikat mo. -HIV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Siyempre pa, walang buhay kung wala kayo. Ruth, Kimie, Lorine, Leo, Angeline, Anali at Kate, kahit malayo kaaaaaaaaaa, mahal na mahal ko kayo nambongga. Salamat sa pag-sponsor ng kalahati ng Yellow Cab, Leo. At next time, wag na kayong mantitrip ng straw, dahil…bad yun. Haha.. guysssed, walang ganunan. Anali, kamusta ka na? Miss na rin kita. WAhh guys, wala kayong katulad. Mahal na mahal ko talaga kayo….simula 12 13 14 years old, kayo na ang kasama ko! Tak’te guys, tak’te, mahal ko talaga kayo! ISASAKATUPARAN NATIN ANG HIGHLY-INTELLECTUAL VILLAGEEEE! Ang lamig lamig na ng hangin, Christmas is indeed in da haws! Kay duga pala na andun din last Wednesday, rock ka. Pwede ka na naming ampunin sa HIV. Sa lahat ng QueSci friends na hindi ko alam kung kailang Christmas year ko ulit makikita: Hannah Caloi at Carlo (ang service ng bayan), Jeni, Joy, Kat, trese, lahat kayoo. Sa mga naging kababata ko, kalaro at kapitbahay na naririnig ko ang boses at this moment in time!! Nica, Gina, Ate Xy’s. My childhood is incomplete without you guys. Yung mga batang nangangaroling sa bahay, next year, wala nang tao dito. Haha. Kay Ochie at Cessaaaaaaaah! Sa inyo, eternal friends, andami na nating pinagsamahan, need I say more? Jeneen, Seth, Kat, Elyse, mamimiss ko ang campings at youth cons natin…at mysa’s na rin, hehe. Next mysa, ipagpipilitan ko na sumama sa stake natin. Haha. I will miss the choir, Sister Ferrer. Sa mga SA at sa film natin na talaga naman, pinagod n’yo ko dun! Hahaha. Kay ate Cherry salamat!!! Yung mga young women ko naman, may isang sem pa noh, hindi pa kayo makakatakas sa’kin, hahahaha. Tita Karol, Mosel, Maget, Tita Pin, Lola Mang…hahaha, wala pa akong pasko na hindi kayo kasama!!!!!! Hahahaha. Ayun, yun naman, ang haba na nito. Para namang mababasa n’yo, pero basta, ibuhos na ang lahaaat! I WILL MAKE CHRISTMAS 2008 ONE OF THE MOST MEMORABLE, err, CHRISTMASES! Hahaha. Wah, ano ito? Goodbye letter?! Hahahahah. Basta guys, ibang level ang December na ito. Next year, hindi na natin magagawa lahat ng ito. Hindi ko alam kung kailang pasko ko kayo ulit makakasama. Ayokong umaliissss, huhuhuhu, pero kailangan. May January, February, March at summer paa!! Pero mamimiss ko talaga kayo.  Next year, pipilitin ko na dito kami magpasko!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU!